Allow myself to introduce... myself

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

A Face Like a Chubby Ballerina

So we've been negotiating the realities of this move for the past few weeks now, and there have been some good moments among the bad days. If life were black and white these things would have so much more clarity... a person and their actions would be either all bad or all good, and that would be that. I understand why Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill. And for some reason or another this is how things have tended to go for me. I have never made a clean break, not ever ever ever. This has been the fourth of the major defining relationships in my life, and I have a tattoo to mark the passing of each of the others. My relationships have all burned so brightly that the end never was the end. Gary left for Japan a full year before he finally got the letter from me saying it was over, and he called my mother crying afterwards. Walter left me for Alaska and I followed him to work it out... another year of trying but not trying before I decided we were done. And when it was finally undecidedly over, after the judge declared it over, we sat sobbing together over lunch wishing we'd been stronger people. There was David who brings me so much sadness to think about how that ended. How we knew it was over but stayed in the same house like really bad roommates for months and months. And now this. You think that when you meet that person who you know is your soulmate that the hard work is done. You think nobody in the world has ever found what you have found, and that everything you have is so much better than what everyone else has. You find out one day that everyone is human, and the injustice of it all is overpowering. So that's where we are. The end is in sight but our hearts are still intertwined some days, which is making the pain so much greater. For some reason I have never let go easily, but in the end I've always kept a friend...

Now for my assignment, given to me by Wonderful Sara: heal by making a list of all the things you want next time. Sara assumes there will be a next time, and of course I beg to differ. But just because she said so, here's the beginning of "The List". PLEASE leave me your comments with the things I MUST add...

The perfect man:
Passionate about life
Tall
Sexy
Attentive
Funny
Witty
Good credit
Sensible
Sensitive
Smart
Understanding
Has complete faith in me
Will let me decorate our house
Supportive
Optimistic
Does not drip down the front of the toilet when he goes to the bathroom
Takes care of himself
If he’s gassy, it mustn’t smell
Showers regularly
Keeps fingernails trimmed
Knows how to be goofy
Will look ridiculous if it will make me laugh
Will surprise me with a puppy
Wants to go on DATES with me
Understands the need for fresh flowers
Will take out the garbage
Will appreciate me above all others
Would never ever ever cheat on me
Believes I am the most amazing woman in the world
Will try different foods
Will hold me when I cry, no matter what the reason
Likes avocado and Van Morrison
Will listen to a song and say “that’s how I feel about you”
Will adore Luna and Solstice as much as I do, and always want what’s best for them
Will appreciate going out to eat every once in awhile
Takes care of himself, not bent on self destruction
Has health insurance
Will understand that I want a ring and a thought out proposal, and will know that I’m worth both
Will challenge me sometimes, but only when I deserve it
Understands that I get grouchy when I don’t eat or haven’t had enough sex
Will make sure I always have enough sex
Will talk dirty to me
Wants to hold my hand or be in contact with me constantly
On the NO list:
Cherry Chapstick

11 comments:

Sara said...

I think you forgot the most important one...
"understands that there are RULES!"

Sara said...

There are RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rules, rules, rules!! Rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes, and little yellow pills to make you go nighty night.

Sara said...

1. Must appreciate the phrase, "Buck up little camper & I'm Real Sorry your mom blew up Ricky!"
2. Must understand why Bret Michaels was hot and sort of still is hot.
3. Must allow HGTV to be on the TV 24/7, unless Rock of Love is on.
4. Own at least one suit, including a tie and appropriate dress shoes. You never know when you must attend a wedding, funeral or job interview.
5. Must actually comment out loud, "that girl is too skinny, eww, that is gross."

Hear Me Roar! said...

Sara is PURE GENIUS! Every single one of those must be uncompromisingly carved in stone on my list. If he meets THOSE qualificatins he may even be allowed a few dribbles down the front of the potty every once in awhile...

nellableu said...

when was that photo taken? Reminds me of when you lived in Seattle.

Hear Me Roar! said...

CLOSE JenniferJO! It was in Alaska at the Service Center, probably in the year after I left Seattle. Ahhh... the red hair days...

dottie angel said...

a list...what genius, alas i dare not make a list for fear that my man would fail most of it...apart from the bit about 'just knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and only me' that's really all i can ask for..

keep taking those steps to recovery...you write your feelings down very well, must be because you are so well 'read'...it floors me every time...

Bonny said...

sounds like you've got it all under control :) don't forget - making ME happy makes him happy

Galadriel Thompson said...

Don't forget about the belly button! He must also clean his belly button with a q-tip dipped in alcohol. Those man buttons can get nasty.

hugs pretty lady

Anonymous said...

Shorten your man list to less than four items and you will find a great man. One person can't be everything but one person can be so much. I was successfully single for 17 years, shortened my list, and met a "keeper" a few weeks later. This man is honorable, intelligent, makes me feel great about myself, and loves classical music. The bonus was his financial security.I taught him to dress in quality clothing, put down the toilet seat,and lots of other stuff. So much of your list sets you up for failure. You could never be all those things to someone so why expect them from someone else? I work very hard to stay married.....marriage is not for sissies and a successful marriage requires tremendous creativity!! Think about it and simplify your life. You will have so much more creative energy and feel more peace.Hope this helps you. Blessings, M

Hear Me Roar! said...

I just found this message... thank you M, you are only too right. I am keeping my head and heart open to the possibilities. I hope to hear from you more!