Allow myself to introduce... myself


Thursday, February 28, 2008

Bright One

It has come to my attention that I used to be funny... not just regular run-of-the-mill funny, but the kind of funny so BRILLIANT, that when I read some of my own letters I didn't recognize the girl that had written them. Where did that girl go?

Maybe the surgery tomorrow will reattach my funny bone. What's that you say? Surgery? Oh yes... when I fall down I fall down BIG. No half ass twisted ankle for me... no ma'am. TORN achilles tendon plus a fracture... the whole kit and kaboodle so they say. I'm playing up the "sports injury" part of my idiocy so I can seem more cool. And when people ask me how good I was at soccer, I insist that I was cut down in my prime and that I was on the verge of being discovered. After all... ANYTHING's possible. So where IS the funny bone located anyway?

I'm grateful for Supes, lunch with Khumo, working with a GREAT bunch of people, and kids who are amazingly helpful. Now I'm off to recuperate on my Mom's couch!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Oh the Humanity!

I have just returned from a WHIRLWIND two day trip for work to Beaverton Oregon, which meant that I spent my Valentine's Day in a room full of other Branch Managers and People of Importance and couldn't spend the day crying into my Cheerios. At our catered lunch of pizza and salad, I did decide to choose for myself the HEART shaped cookie out of the plastic clamshell of choices, and felt that somehow my heart shaped cookie was a sign that NEXT Valentine's will be much better. I mean really... it can't get any worse than the year husband number one told me weeks in advance that he had a "surprise" for me, then told me on THAT day (he waited until VALENTINE'S DAY???! Yep... that's the kinda gent I married at 20) that he was leaving me. Ahhh.... memories. So I'm holding out this time for the kinda guy that won't send me messages that require a translator, that doesn't drive a Hummer, that can keep up with my acerbic wit, that picks the RIGHT 5 songs, and that doesn't save bad news for momentous occasions, thereby ruining said occasions for the remainder of time. That's a good list to start with!

So now I feel a duty to share with you the embarrassing events of Friday/Saturday; in which I injured myself playing soccer with the big boys when I've only played twice, sat for 4 hours at the "Urgent" Care facilities to see what the heck I did, and hobbled out on crutches to dinner with my kiddos, Aunt, Mom, and Grandma and flirted with the waiter.
How the heck am I going to lose 30 more pounds in the next three months if I'm on crutches?!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Star Stuff and Babel Fish

Apparently it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round, and the particularly TRYING kinds like to send me messages. I’ve been having a bit of trouble lately with translating the actual meaning of what some of these people were trying to say, so leave it to wonderful Sara once again to show me the light. The AltaVista Babel fish is another useful tool when one is out alone navigating the dating world, especially if one is getting messages from crazy people. To illustrate the usefulness of one such tool, let me please begin by showing you an ACTUAL message I received (edited for my poor mother’s sake)…
First, the SUBJECT line:

you so the star stuff an what i want to get to know a
lot an what i dream of

Naturally, I was intrigued. So I proceeded to the body of the message…

From: Aundrez
Date: Feb 4, 2008 10:20 AM

ok so what are you doing an is you up to an do you have going on ? I so want to get to know you . Like what is up good morn an tell me some thing good love .

I couldn’t resist, so I responded…

From: Tasha
Date: 05/02/2008

Something good eh? I can't say anything really comes to mind at the moment. Can you think of anything?

Would you believe it? He thought of something! AND at four o’ clock in the MORNING!

Date:Feb 6, 2008 4:09 AM
RE: you so the star stuff an what i want to get to know a
lot an what i dream of

I can an i do an i want to think of an do lots of things good wit an for an to you . Muah to your most wanted face an curls an just most deliteful style. I so want you do not tease me please me . your to much the art work to be half ass or not did all good. I so want you in me life. I am grown an i know what is up ok . How was your sleep? Like for sure i am trying to be your give you five an wax on an wax off man . I so want to hold your every thing an inbrace your love an beauty an feel the glory of your be me douty. Muah

Now that last message was a lot for me to handle, and WAY too much for me to understand. What exactly is a wax on wax off man? So we took a guess on what language might be correct (unfortunately Pirate isn’t available) and plugged it in to the Babel Fish. THEN we translated it BACK to English to see if it would clarify anything. Here’s what we came up with:

French - I put out of box I make I want to think of make a good number of good spirit of things for to you. Muah with your more desired face curves a model deliteful just. I want you thus does not tease me to satisfy myself your much the work of art to being half of ass or not to make good. I thus want you in me the life. I am developed I know what is to the top of ok. Go did how your sleep? Are you foutu approximately or you were make you you project it or is there a call of spoils until you wait with interest one to want? As for sure I try to be your elasticity you five a wax on a wax in addition to man. I want to thus hold your each thing a inbrace your love a beauty one to feel that the glory of your is me douty. Muah

Oh yes… “desired face curves a model”… THAT sounds promising…

Dutch - I can I do I want think of much things well verstand for to you do. Muah your face wanted most to curl correct most deliteful style. I do not want this way you me please to tease me your to the much art work to be or already well half do rest. I want you this way in me living. I am grown I weet what is omhoog o.k.. How was your sleep? If without doubt try I your to be give you five was on was of people. I want love this way your each thing inbrace your love a beauty a feeling the glorie your douty me am. Muah

Yes… What IS omhoog?

Italian - Inscatolo I make I wish to think next to I make the lotteries of good spirit of things for you. Muah to yours makes wished curlings one deliteful more just style. Therefore I wish them I do not take in turn for soddisfarlo. yours to the a lot the work to it of art for being average ass or in order not to make all the good ones. Therefore me I wish life to them. Me development I know that what is on the approval. How it was your sleep? As for sure I am trying to being your give you five one wax on one wax outside of the man. Therefore I wish to hold your every thing inbrace a your love a beauty a tact that the glory of yours is me douty. Muah

Ahhhh… “Me development I know that what is on the approval”. Would this sound better if it was whispered into my ear?

Russian - I preserve I make I want to think I make a series of the wit of the things of good for to you muah to your, is which they want to the side of curl valid deliteful type. 4 so I want you I do not tease me in order to please to me your to much work of iskysstva, it is which necessary to be with half ass or not to make at all good. 4 so I want you in me life. I grow I I know upward on o'keyu. How there was your sleep? As for confident I attempt to be your pliability you 5 wax on wax from the man. 4 so I want to hold your each thing inbrace your love beauty chyvstvo, is which the glory of your by me douty. Muah

Oh I get it now – “As for confident I attempt to be your pliability”. He’s CONFIDENT he wants me to toy with him like Play-DOH! I think four trips through Alta Vista has helped me see the light… this is DEFINITELY the guy for me!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Best Question of All

When you're a Single Mom out in the free world trying to determine what's real and what's not, you need a quick and easy test to know who's right for you. I do believe I have found it! This simple test can be used any ANY stage of a relationship, and is also useful to use on friends, neighbors, and complete strangers you might want to get to know a little better. After this test, you will KNOW with absolute certainty whether anyone is worth your time. What can this magical test possibly be? It's so easy you will THANK ME for dispensing such useful advice. Are you ready for it? All you have to do is ask one simple question:

"What 5 songs would you put on an Ipod for me?"

The faint of heart will run at the task, the truly cautious will put much thought into it, and the lurking lothario will quickly spout out a list of cheesy yet inappropriate (for you) easy listening love songs. If there's any Roberta Flack (and that's not your thing) then you have clearly been misjudged. The person who is right for you will know that this is about telling your FEELINGS, but also about finding music that is RIGHT.

With that ALL being said, here are the 5 songs that my friend Sara so adeptly chose for my current state of mind, after I'd told her the songs that had been picked for me by others. When I'm ready to date again, I definitely think I'll let Sara do the choosing....

1. Home by Sheryl Crow
2. This Love by Maroon 5
3. Thinking about you by Norah Jones
4. It's no good by Depeche Mode
5. Up against the wall by Patti Rothberg

I am grateful to be a person who takes chances sometimes, and stays inside looking out at other times...

Norah Jones - Thinking About You lyrics