The BIG Love

I had a great conversation with a very wise woman today, and I won’t tell you much about her to protect her innocence (ha!). Let me quickly go off on a tangent and say that if it hadn’t been for the wise women in my life, I don’t think I could have made it through the last three months. I hope that whoever you are, and whatever you’re going through, you always have someone wise to point out the little truths that your tears are blinding you from, because if you don’t you will find yourself lost.

And now to today’s nuggets of wisdom. The very wise woman (who I think can peer into people’s souls… not that you always want her to because she will tell you what she sees) told me in a way that bore no discussion, that what I had lost was my “BIG Love”. “The ‘BIG’ Love” she said (she has an Eastern European accent) “is the one that will make you FEEL the most.

"It will make you hurt the most sometimes, and it will make you soar with love sometimes, but you will be FEELING. "I would much rather have a short time of this freezing and burning than an entire lifetime of being lukewarm.”

She said this and it made sense. She doesn’t always make sense you see, but sometimes the sense she makes is so very TRUE, and today was that day. So this was her explanation why after loving and caring so much for a man that had broken my heart three months ago, a man that I continued to wake up next to every day, I finally had enough. She said that the really great ones are the ones that make you so angry that you throw them out in the rain with nothing but the clothes on their backs and you lock the door behind them. And that’s exactly what I did.

“They have to be this way” she said, “because it is with the ‘BIG Love’ that you cannot be friends. "It will end in flames, because this is the way it has to be or your heart will continue to bleed slowly away. "Maybe someday he will be back, but it has to be right or it cannot work.”

And that is the way things have to be. She’s right you know, and I KNOW she’s right. Finally. And according to her, some people never have this great big love that is so powerful and strong that you feel your highest highs and your lowest lows… but I think I may have had it twice, at least. So I guess for all my wishing for a nice quiet life with a picket fence I know that I have always liked to FEEL more, to drink it all in and spit it back out. I remember when I was with Walter, my conversation with my dearest Krispity Krunchity… “I wish he would just get MAD or something, he just wants to do whatever I want to do and it’s so irritating that it makes me want to punch him”. Ah yes… and I married that one. So it is what it is. At least I’m FEELING things, and that’s not such a bad thing after all. "This is how we know we're alive." And to be with a person who is so completely different from the person you fell in love with can't be the right thing to do. As my Brilliant Mother said, "I'm damn proud of you for not seeing how to make ordinary work."

I am SURROUNDED by wise women...

Looking Up

The thing about life is that it's always changing. It may be too late to have a perfect childhood, but it's never too late to become the person you want to be. So that's where it's at. I'm stripping life down to the bare essentials (buh bye toxic "friendships", holey underwear, and making my bed) and working on doing the goofy things I like to do. So I'm going to the fair this weekend and I'm going to ride a ride for the first time since high school, and I'm going to re-read all of my Tom Robbins books (except the ones I don't want to), and I'm going to buy my own flowers for my office every week, and I'm going to listen to all the 80's music I love so much, and I'm going to burn scented candles and take bubble baths and go to bed early. I'm going to be alone for awhile, and I'm going to enjoy it, every minute of it. I'm going to laugh so hard at goofy silly things that I can't hold in the snorts, I'm going to go puddle jumping in the rain, and blow bubbles while on the carousel, and I'm going to be FUN. Because THOSE are the things that define me and say who I am. I am true, real, and good, and I aim to make the world a better place. And that's all I have to say about that.

A Face Like a Chubby Ballerina

So we've been negotiating the realities of this move for the past few weeks now, and there have been some good moments among the bad days. If life were black and white these things would have so much more clarity... a person and their actions would be either all bad or all good, and that would be that. I understand why Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill. And for some reason or another this is how things have tended to go for me. I have never made a clean break, not ever ever ever. This has been the fourth of the major defining relationships in my life, and I have a tattoo to mark the passing of each of the others. My relationships have all burned so brightly that the end never was the end. Gary left for Japan a full year before he finally got the letter from me saying it was over, and he called my mother crying afterwards. Walter left me for Alaska and I followed him to work it out... another year of trying but not trying before I decided we were done. And when it was finally undecidedly over, after the judge declared it over, we sat sobbing together over lunch wishing we'd been stronger people. There was David who brings me so much sadness to think about how that ended. How we knew it was over but stayed in the same house like really bad roommates for months and months. And now this. You think that when you meet that person who you know is your soulmate that the hard work is done. You think nobody in the world has ever found what you have found, and that everything you have is so much better than what everyone else has. You find out one day that everyone is human, and the injustice of it all is overpowering. So that's where we are. The end is in sight but our hearts are still intertwined some days, which is making the pain so much greater. For some reason I have never let go easily, but in the end I've always kept a friend...

Now for my assignment, given to me by Wonderful Sara: heal by making a list of all the things you want next time. Sara assumes there will be a next time, and of course I beg to differ. But just because she said so, here's the beginning of "The List". PLEASE leave me your comments with the things I MUST add...

The perfect man:

Passionate about life

Tall

Sexy

Attentive

Funny

Witty

Good credit

Sensible

Sensitive

Smart

Understanding

Has complete faith in me

Will let me decorate our house

Supportive

Optimistic

Does not drip down the front of the toilet when he goes to the bathroom

Takes care of himself

If he’s gassy, it mustn’t smell
Showers regularly

Keeps fingernails trimmed

Knows how to be goofy

Will look ridiculous if it will make me laugh

Will surprise me with a puppy

Wants to go on DATES with me

Understands the need for fresh flowers

Will take out the garbage

Will appreciate me above all others

Would never ever ever cheat on me

Believes I am the most amazing woman in the world

Will try different foods

Will hold me when I cry, no matter what the reason

Likes avocado and Van Morrison

Will listen to a song and say “that’s how I feel about you”

Will adore Luna and Solstice as much as I do, and always want what’s best for them

Will appreciate going out to eat every once in awhile

Takes care of himself, not bent on self destruction

Has health insurance

Will understand that I want a ring and a thought out proposal, and will know that I’m worth both

Will challenge me sometimes, but only when I deserve it

Understands that I get grouchy when I don’t eat or haven’t had enough sex

Will make sure I always have enough sex

Will talk dirty to me

Wants to hold my hand or be in contact with me constantly

On the NO list:

Cherry Chapstick

I'm Still Here

I have so appreciated the comments I received from my last post; friends I've met and some I've never met both sending love my way as I deal with stuff. I haven't meant to fall off the face of the earth, it's just that sometimes life can take a lot of energy and there's none left to spare. It's September 1st though and right about the 29th of August I decided that I'd had so much bad luck come my way this summer (starting in June) that I had to explore the possibility that I might be doing my own part to perpetuate it. So I sent a message to the universe that I would accept no more bad luck at all after August 31st, and I'm holding the universe to her end of the bargain. I've been hammering out some details and mentally preparing myself as we get ready for Travelous to make his big life-changing career-defining move to Los Angeles, and the kids and I get ready for our own life ahead. It's taken awhile for me and Travis to realize that this was the reason our paths needed to diverge at this point, but supporting this person I love while he follows his dreams has always meant a fair bit of sacrifice. Sometimes this is just the way things go... insert devastatingly sad love song here...

And now I'm putting one foot in front of the other as I try to get things back on track. The kids are back at school in 3 days, and I have a sewing area with a layer of dust on it about two months thick. I'm sure I'll start making my regular appearances here in the blog world, and my list of things to be grateful for will continue to grow. I consider myself to be a very lucky woman even through all of this, because I've spent two wonderful years sharing my world with an amazing AMAZING person. It wasn't the lifetime we thought it would be, but there are never any guarantees in this world are there?

Gratitude: Of course I still have my children, who give me a reason to get out of bed every day; my job has become more wonderful than I could ever have imagined; and I had a really touching e-mail from my Dad (who I've always had a strained relationship with) on my birthday. At this point in my life I have a few more options than I did two years ago, and I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.

"I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." -Lucille Ball