A Face Like a Chubby Ballerina

So we've been negotiating the realities of this move for the past few weeks now, and there have been some good moments among the bad days. If life were black and white these things would have so much more clarity... a person and their actions would be either all bad or all good, and that would be that. I understand why Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill. And for some reason or another this is how things have tended to go for me. I have never made a clean break, not ever ever ever. This has been the fourth of the major defining relationships in my life, and I have a tattoo to mark the passing of each of the others. My relationships have all burned so brightly that the end never was the end. Gary left for Japan a full year before he finally got the letter from me saying it was over, and he called my mother crying afterwards. Walter left me for Alaska and I followed him to work it out... another year of trying but not trying before I decided we were done. And when it was finally undecidedly over, after the judge declared it over, we sat sobbing together over lunch wishing we'd been stronger people. There was David who brings me so much sadness to think about how that ended. How we knew it was over but stayed in the same house like really bad roommates for months and months. And now this. You think that when you meet that person who you know is your soulmate that the hard work is done. You think nobody in the world has ever found what you have found, and that everything you have is so much better than what everyone else has. You find out one day that everyone is human, and the injustice of it all is overpowering. So that's where we are. The end is in sight but our hearts are still intertwined some days, which is making the pain so much greater. For some reason I have never let go easily, but in the end I've always kept a friend...

Now for my assignment, given to me by Wonderful Sara: heal by making a list of all the things you want next time. Sara assumes there will be a next time, and of course I beg to differ. But just because she said so, here's the beginning of "The List". PLEASE leave me your comments with the things I MUST add...

The perfect man:

Passionate about life

Tall

Sexy

Attentive

Funny

Witty

Good credit

Sensible

Sensitive

Smart

Understanding

Has complete faith in me

Will let me decorate our house

Supportive

Optimistic

Does not drip down the front of the toilet when he goes to the bathroom

Takes care of himself

If he’s gassy, it mustn’t smell
Showers regularly

Keeps fingernails trimmed

Knows how to be goofy

Will look ridiculous if it will make me laugh

Will surprise me with a puppy

Wants to go on DATES with me

Understands the need for fresh flowers

Will take out the garbage

Will appreciate me above all others

Would never ever ever cheat on me

Believes I am the most amazing woman in the world

Will try different foods

Will hold me when I cry, no matter what the reason

Likes avocado and Van Morrison

Will listen to a song and say “that’s how I feel about you”

Will adore Luna and Solstice as much as I do, and always want what’s best for them

Will appreciate going out to eat every once in awhile

Takes care of himself, not bent on self destruction

Has health insurance

Will understand that I want a ring and a thought out proposal, and will know that I’m worth both

Will challenge me sometimes, but only when I deserve it

Understands that I get grouchy when I don’t eat or haven’t had enough sex

Will make sure I always have enough sex

Will talk dirty to me

Wants to hold my hand or be in contact with me constantly

On the NO list:

Cherry Chapstick