The BIG Love

I had a great conversation with a very wise woman today, and I won’t tell you much about her to protect her innocence (ha!). Let me quickly go off on a tangent and say that if it hadn’t been for the wise women in my life, I don’t think I could have made it through the last three months. I hope that whoever you are, and whatever you’re going through, you always have someone wise to point out the little truths that your tears are blinding you from, because if you don’t you will find yourself lost.

And now to today’s nuggets of wisdom. The very wise woman (who I think can peer into people’s souls… not that you always want her to because she will tell you what she sees) told me in a way that bore no discussion, that what I had lost was my “BIG Love”. “The ‘BIG’ Love” she said (she has an Eastern European accent) “is the one that will make you FEEL the most.

"It will make you hurt the most sometimes, and it will make you soar with love sometimes, but you will be FEELING. "I would much rather have a short time of this freezing and burning than an entire lifetime of being lukewarm.”

She said this and it made sense. She doesn’t always make sense you see, but sometimes the sense she makes is so very TRUE, and today was that day. So this was her explanation why after loving and caring so much for a man that had broken my heart three months ago, a man that I continued to wake up next to every day, I finally had enough. She said that the really great ones are the ones that make you so angry that you throw them out in the rain with nothing but the clothes on their backs and you lock the door behind them. And that’s exactly what I did.

“They have to be this way” she said, “because it is with the ‘BIG Love’ that you cannot be friends. "It will end in flames, because this is the way it has to be or your heart will continue to bleed slowly away. "Maybe someday he will be back, but it has to be right or it cannot work.”

And that is the way things have to be. She’s right you know, and I KNOW she’s right. Finally. And according to her, some people never have this great big love that is so powerful and strong that you feel your highest highs and your lowest lows… but I think I may have had it twice, at least. So I guess for all my wishing for a nice quiet life with a picket fence I know that I have always liked to FEEL more, to drink it all in and spit it back out. I remember when I was with Walter, my conversation with my dearest Krispity Krunchity… “I wish he would just get MAD or something, he just wants to do whatever I want to do and it’s so irritating that it makes me want to punch him”. Ah yes… and I married that one. So it is what it is. At least I’m FEELING things, and that’s not such a bad thing after all. "This is how we know we're alive." And to be with a person who is so completely different from the person you fell in love with can't be the right thing to do. As my Brilliant Mother said, "I'm damn proud of you for not seeing how to make ordinary work."

I am SURROUNDED by wise women...