All I Want for Christmas

My DEAR Mother asked me to "start thinking" about what I want for Christmas this year. START thinking?! Oh Mommie, that's ALL I think about these days! And since I have nothing else to blog about, I thought I could share with all my dearest friends here...

1. Treadmill
2. Truckload of Partylite Winter Solstice scented candles of all sizes
3. A trip to Tahiti
4. An intelligent, funny, sexy man who does not drive a Hummer for pleasure purposes or wear hats made of straw, and would never DREAM of saying "Good Luck finding a man who loves your kids as much as I did" after he has cheated on me
5. Enough snow to build a proper snow man, but not so much I can't safely get to work
6. Someone to organize my sewing area, so I can make up for lost time
7. That all my knitted presents fit everyone they're made for (without me having to fool with knitting a gauge swatch first)
8. World Peace
9. Hillary Clinton in the White House. NOW!

Please Forgive Me

It's a week later and there have still been no street performers. As my dear Mother has pointed out however, I have felt much more like dancing. Now, I have to confess that in this mood of merriment I happened to hear the Rocky Theme Song playing, and realized that for most of my life I've had no idea what the singers are saying in that song. I have harnessed the Power of Google, and much to my surprise what they actually say is MUCH (and I mean MUCH) different from what I'd always heard in my head. So for anyone else who has always wondered what they're saying, here it is for the taking:

DeEtta Little & Nelson Pigford - Gonna Fly Now (Theme From "Rocky)

Trying hard now, its so hard now, trying hard now..
Getting strong now, wont be long now, getting strong now..
Gonna fly now, flying high now, gonna fly, fly, fly.

This makes SO much more sense than what I thought, which was the much less appropriate "chinese whore town" repeated over and over again...

-Tasha

What the Heck?

Just had to share my horoscope for the day, courtesy of my crazy friend Sara:

Leo (July 22 - August 22)

This is one of those days when you may be walking along, dear Leo, and all of a sudden there is a street performer on the sidewalk playing music. Suddenly your normal footwear turns into a pair of dancing shoes and you find yourself boogying down the rest of the road. It won't take much to get you groovin', and once you start, it may be hard for you to stop.

- Still no sign of any street performers -

Tasha

Lavender and Codysaurus Rex

The kitties are settling in nicely and taking over the one room they feel comfortable claiming as their territory. For some reason they refuse to go past the doorway of the office, and I'm starting to wonder if they know something I don't know. Sitting here now I watched them both run at a full gallop toward the door and then both stop right at the threshold. They looked out into the hallway for a second and then turned around and ran back in to their kingdom of the office. Now I'm wondering if I should move my bed in here too...?The kitties taking over the office chair...

And now I PROMISE my next blog post will have some exciting pictures of material, for I am going to be embarking on a new project for the first time in a zillion months! A very easy no frills quilt project will be just what the doctor ordered. And wait 'til you see the colors we've picked!

I'm grateful for distractions, Krispity Krunchity, kittens, family, and great kids ("Mom, getting these kittens was the best idea ever!").

Tasha

She's Baaaaaack

I finally uploaded some pictures from the borrowed camera into the computer today, and shocked myself at how much time had passed since I'd written about anything fun here. I missed out on showing you all my new office, complete with fresh flowers I bought for myself...
Gone was the trip to the aquarium on my birthday in August when we had a behind-the-scenes tour from Sarah and saw our very first squid dissection...
And the freezer where they keep the fish food...

the first day of school...

the trip to the fair in September where Travis won at the only game he played, and then had to carry a five foot tall frog through the fairgrounds...

And Sol's first go at being on a soccer team...

And that about catches us up to this weekend, and the new family members. Not one, but TWO cute, cuddly, and rambunctious kittens. A surprise for the kiddos that I don't think they really believed until they'd stayed a full night in the house. These two cuties were found abandoned in an apartment with their emaciated mama and no food or water. The kids have named them Cody (Rex) and Lavender.
And so Fall begins, and we start seeing our family take a new shape. But just so you know... I'm still a DOG person...


I am grateful for new beginnings, great friends, fall colors, hope for the future, playful kittens, and wonderfully amazing kids.

Tasha

The BIG Love

I had a great conversation with a very wise woman today, and I won’t tell you much about her to protect her innocence (ha!). Let me quickly go off on a tangent and say that if it hadn’t been for the wise women in my life, I don’t think I could have made it through the last three months. I hope that whoever you are, and whatever you’re going through, you always have someone wise to point out the little truths that your tears are blinding you from, because if you don’t you will find yourself lost.

And now to today’s nuggets of wisdom. The very wise woman (who I think can peer into people’s souls… not that you always want her to because she will tell you what she sees) told me in a way that bore no discussion, that what I had lost was my “BIG Love”. “The ‘BIG’ Love” she said (she has an Eastern European accent) “is the one that will make you FEEL the most.

"It will make you hurt the most sometimes, and it will make you soar with love sometimes, but you will be FEELING. "I would much rather have a short time of this freezing and burning than an entire lifetime of being lukewarm.”

She said this and it made sense. She doesn’t always make sense you see, but sometimes the sense she makes is so very TRUE, and today was that day. So this was her explanation why after loving and caring so much for a man that had broken my heart three months ago, a man that I continued to wake up next to every day, I finally had enough. She said that the really great ones are the ones that make you so angry that you throw them out in the rain with nothing but the clothes on their backs and you lock the door behind them. And that’s exactly what I did.

“They have to be this way” she said, “because it is with the ‘BIG Love’ that you cannot be friends. "It will end in flames, because this is the way it has to be or your heart will continue to bleed slowly away. "Maybe someday he will be back, but it has to be right or it cannot work.”

And that is the way things have to be. She’s right you know, and I KNOW she’s right. Finally. And according to her, some people never have this great big love that is so powerful and strong that you feel your highest highs and your lowest lows… but I think I may have had it twice, at least. So I guess for all my wishing for a nice quiet life with a picket fence I know that I have always liked to FEEL more, to drink it all in and spit it back out. I remember when I was with Walter, my conversation with my dearest Krispity Krunchity… “I wish he would just get MAD or something, he just wants to do whatever I want to do and it’s so irritating that it makes me want to punch him”. Ah yes… and I married that one. So it is what it is. At least I’m FEELING things, and that’s not such a bad thing after all. "This is how we know we're alive." And to be with a person who is so completely different from the person you fell in love with can't be the right thing to do. As my Brilliant Mother said, "I'm damn proud of you for not seeing how to make ordinary work."

I am SURROUNDED by wise women...

Looking Up

The thing about life is that it's always changing. It may be too late to have a perfect childhood, but it's never too late to become the person you want to be. So that's where it's at. I'm stripping life down to the bare essentials (buh bye toxic "friendships", holey underwear, and making my bed) and working on doing the goofy things I like to do. So I'm going to the fair this weekend and I'm going to ride a ride for the first time since high school, and I'm going to re-read all of my Tom Robbins books (except the ones I don't want to), and I'm going to buy my own flowers for my office every week, and I'm going to listen to all the 80's music I love so much, and I'm going to burn scented candles and take bubble baths and go to bed early. I'm going to be alone for awhile, and I'm going to enjoy it, every minute of it. I'm going to laugh so hard at goofy silly things that I can't hold in the snorts, I'm going to go puddle jumping in the rain, and blow bubbles while on the carousel, and I'm going to be FUN. Because THOSE are the things that define me and say who I am. I am true, real, and good, and I aim to make the world a better place. And that's all I have to say about that.

A Face Like a Chubby Ballerina

So we've been negotiating the realities of this move for the past few weeks now, and there have been some good moments among the bad days. If life were black and white these things would have so much more clarity... a person and their actions would be either all bad or all good, and that would be that. I understand why Hillary Clinton stayed with Bill. And for some reason or another this is how things have tended to go for me. I have never made a clean break, not ever ever ever. This has been the fourth of the major defining relationships in my life, and I have a tattoo to mark the passing of each of the others. My relationships have all burned so brightly that the end never was the end. Gary left for Japan a full year before he finally got the letter from me saying it was over, and he called my mother crying afterwards. Walter left me for Alaska and I followed him to work it out... another year of trying but not trying before I decided we were done. And when it was finally undecidedly over, after the judge declared it over, we sat sobbing together over lunch wishing we'd been stronger people. There was David who brings me so much sadness to think about how that ended. How we knew it was over but stayed in the same house like really bad roommates for months and months. And now this. You think that when you meet that person who you know is your soulmate that the hard work is done. You think nobody in the world has ever found what you have found, and that everything you have is so much better than what everyone else has. You find out one day that everyone is human, and the injustice of it all is overpowering. So that's where we are. The end is in sight but our hearts are still intertwined some days, which is making the pain so much greater. For some reason I have never let go easily, but in the end I've always kept a friend...

Now for my assignment, given to me by Wonderful Sara: heal by making a list of all the things you want next time. Sara assumes there will be a next time, and of course I beg to differ. But just because she said so, here's the beginning of "The List". PLEASE leave me your comments with the things I MUST add...

The perfect man:

Passionate about life

Tall

Sexy

Attentive

Funny

Witty

Good credit

Sensible

Sensitive

Smart

Understanding

Has complete faith in me

Will let me decorate our house

Supportive

Optimistic

Does not drip down the front of the toilet when he goes to the bathroom

Takes care of himself

If he’s gassy, it mustn’t smell
Showers regularly

Keeps fingernails trimmed

Knows how to be goofy

Will look ridiculous if it will make me laugh

Will surprise me with a puppy

Wants to go on DATES with me

Understands the need for fresh flowers

Will take out the garbage

Will appreciate me above all others

Would never ever ever cheat on me

Believes I am the most amazing woman in the world

Will try different foods

Will hold me when I cry, no matter what the reason

Likes avocado and Van Morrison

Will listen to a song and say “that’s how I feel about you”

Will adore Luna and Solstice as much as I do, and always want what’s best for them

Will appreciate going out to eat every once in awhile

Takes care of himself, not bent on self destruction

Has health insurance

Will understand that I want a ring and a thought out proposal, and will know that I’m worth both

Will challenge me sometimes, but only when I deserve it

Understands that I get grouchy when I don’t eat or haven’t had enough sex

Will make sure I always have enough sex

Will talk dirty to me

Wants to hold my hand or be in contact with me constantly

On the NO list:

Cherry Chapstick

I'm Still Here

I have so appreciated the comments I received from my last post; friends I've met and some I've never met both sending love my way as I deal with stuff. I haven't meant to fall off the face of the earth, it's just that sometimes life can take a lot of energy and there's none left to spare. It's September 1st though and right about the 29th of August I decided that I'd had so much bad luck come my way this summer (starting in June) that I had to explore the possibility that I might be doing my own part to perpetuate it. So I sent a message to the universe that I would accept no more bad luck at all after August 31st, and I'm holding the universe to her end of the bargain. I've been hammering out some details and mentally preparing myself as we get ready for Travelous to make his big life-changing career-defining move to Los Angeles, and the kids and I get ready for our own life ahead. It's taken awhile for me and Travis to realize that this was the reason our paths needed to diverge at this point, but supporting this person I love while he follows his dreams has always meant a fair bit of sacrifice. Sometimes this is just the way things go... insert devastatingly sad love song here...

And now I'm putting one foot in front of the other as I try to get things back on track. The kids are back at school in 3 days, and I have a sewing area with a layer of dust on it about two months thick. I'm sure I'll start making my regular appearances here in the blog world, and my list of things to be grateful for will continue to grow. I consider myself to be a very lucky woman even through all of this, because I've spent two wonderful years sharing my world with an amazing AMAZING person. It wasn't the lifetime we thought it would be, but there are never any guarantees in this world are there?

Gratitude: Of course I still have my children, who give me a reason to get out of bed every day; my job has become more wonderful than I could ever have imagined; and I had a really touching e-mail from my Dad (who I've always had a strained relationship with) on my birthday. At this point in my life I have a few more options than I did two years ago, and I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.

"I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." -Lucille Ball

Oh Lordy

I have been in the worst disposition of late, and the only thing I could possibly do Dear Reader(s) was to save you from me and not post to my blog. As sunny as I try to be here in blog world, there are times in everyones life when the rain moves in for a bit and one must hunker down to weather the storm. Nothing too drastic mind you, just can't seem to find my raincoat and galoshes for the moment. I expect that this too shall pass, as anyone who knows me can attest that I'm no stranger to rain. Of course at some point that starts to feel like a bit of the problem itself, but oh my how I digress.

And just so you know, this has nothing at all to do with my becoming a year older tomorrow. I would rather get older every year than not, and I welcome any onset of gray hair and laugh lines that plan to come my way. It's just that I thought my life would be different right now, and it's gone quite far off the track I thought I was on. Not all bad mind you, just different. Finding the business card from the engagement ring store is a shitty piece of luck on a day like today. Shitty indeed.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Peace

Lazy Bones

This weekend has been the exact and utter polar opposite of last weekend in that I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I had a dream where I thought about getting some sewing done, but when I woke up I realized the dream itself had tuckered me out. It's rainy out and it's been a helluva a month or so for me, so maybe that will be my excuse...

We did go to the Saturday Market yesterday, where I bought gorgeous bouquets of flowers for home and work. Since my birthday is coming soon, here's one item for my wishlist:

They're handblown drinking glasses with dichroic glass in the bottom made by Marcia Ann Siam Wiley of Wileyware. The picture is not doing them any kind of justice of course, but they are simply gorgeous. A set of four is over $100, so this is not the kind of thing I can splurge on for myself. Besides, ultimately I'd need more than 4 for guests of course! What's the point of having something so beautiful if you can't show it off?

I wish Boo was still small enough to wear these gorgeous dresses...I debated buying one for Trav's niece (the only girl among Trav's total of 8 nieces and nephews), but that would have been the last of the market money we had to spend that day, and I wanted some scented candles. Do you see what I mean when I say it's been a TRULY lazy (implied: SELFISH) weekend? Here's hoping this week is more productive, with some good news and a brighter future looking my way.

Gratitude: A farmer's market just down the street that sells giNORMous bouquets of flowers for $7. This TOTALLY makes up for those flower-starved years in Anchorage. The ice bucket to put my flowers in when I realized I don't have a vase... artfully arranged flowers in an ice bucket make you look vaguely Martha Stewart-ish in my estimation. Shannon, who let me cry on her shoulder when the PMS overcame me, along with the check that didn't come and the babysitter whose plans changed. All things that were fixed or made better by one truly great next-door neighbor. Gratitude!

Git 'R Done

It was another long weekend, and this time I decided to stick close to home for most of it to get stuff done (instead of driving to my Mom's house feeling I should be home getting stuff done). So I did a few putting around the house things, including mending the button on these pants, which makes me overwhelmingly proud, because I hate mending anything.

I decided at 10 o'clock at night to make a cover for this ottoman from some material that I had on hand, so I went from this (a piece we're borrowing from Travis's Dad):To this:

Which I personally think is a VAST improvement.

I also had a mini-breakdown in which I called my Mom and complained that I was sick of all the rectangles in my house. "What would make you feel better?" asked well-intended Mommy Dearest. "CIRCLES!" Said her bratty firstborn. But then I bought this lamp on the right, and felt instantly better:
Mommy Dearest also advised that I start small in my apartment makeover, and work on making one small corner of my rented home into something I like. So I went from this (which I thought was a good idea a year ago):

To this (which is a good idea for me now): I also changed the things on my mantel to get away from that "too many rectangles" thing. When almost an entire wall of your living room is a brick fireplace, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by rectangles!And now for today's gratitude: That tomorrow I am officially official in my promotion, that I have a little bit of art back on my walls, that Trav is spending some much needed time bonding with family, and that I'm finally making a sock animal (more on that at a later date).

Be Well and Do Good!

Tasha